HEY!
i've shifted my blog to http://dashslash.wordpress.com/
do remember to change the links hor =]
weee! sleepy liao -.-

I'm thinking of changing my blog over to wordpress and start all over.
soon that is. i wonder how soon. maybe over this weekend.
alright. shall be it.

before i shift my blog somewhere else, i shall urge you all to go here.

Bridgetbelle - a blogshop belonging to my dearest sajiao jane.

Get some nice apparels there and i will be grateful to you, but i won't give u anything in return. haha. spread words around if you like it. no commission basis.


P/S: man. this blog is so damn outdated. look out for the change. soon.

bro forced me to watch "the secret" with him today. it's not a movie, but a dvd filled with inspiriting, motivating talks from different professionals in the world. i didn't really finish the dvd because i'm sleepy. but okay, after watching it, i do feel that i shall be more positive so that i can have a easier, better life.

fri nite, i went over to IT fair and no.1's place for a overnight mahjong session which turned out to be more of chit chat and clip session. i actually didn't sleep at all as i was busying chatting with no.1 for the whole night. no.2, 4 and 5 still managed to catch some sleep. aniwae, sat was still with them. went for movie, 'Departures', badminton and meals. back to home for serious sleeping @ 10pm.

okay, the way i wrote this entry wasn't interesting. muahha.
aniwae, do catch the movie 'departures'.
it's nice.
and thought provoking.

tata.

i dunno why but im feeling a bit tired now. *note: tired is not equal to emo.*
maybe it's because i'm afraid i can't meet the deadlines this time.
well, i do plan out the time needed to finish a particular project and stuffs, not having much troubles with meeting deadlines, usually.
however, this time i don't think i'll be able to make it seriously.
ouch. and particular issue 3 newsletter coming up too...

i just have the trouble of sleeping without my mind sleeping. *note: that's why i appeared to look and feel tired.*
when my body is asleep, my mind continues reminding me that i must "place blah blah on blah section, wat color should be able to match with wat color, mus remember to check out wat website for reference blah blah, mus finish blah by blah time and blah blah blah."


bloooody blah.

i suppose, it's not too good to be outspoken and direct.
Maybe it's better to keep some thoughts to yourself rather than sharing it out, because some things are better meant to be kept in the heart/mind, even if it meant that you are faking to look as if nothing had happened before. People with too much opinions and self-righteous will be deemed as annoying and no one will then appreciate what you did.

a point to contradict.
what's wrong with being true to yourself and speaking up when you just felt like you have to do so? at most, some people will detest you and think you're trying to be mean and difficult to handle.
people without a mind of her/his own will usually be treated as the adorable, harmless and innocent species.
a teacher once told me, innocent on the surface refers to someone who is pure but on the other side, it means you are ignorant and stupid.

which type are you?

life is nothing but playing mind games.

P/S: don't try that on me.

clarification.

did i sound harsh in the previous entry on work life?
well, i hope not.
i'm just stating some thoughts, no hard feelings.
no emo-ing.
to me, it's kinda normal thou.
i'm not depressed definitely

and i'm not saying that i don't like our company.
every company has it's good and bad.
the same goes for ours.

well, we do have a more flexible time.
boss is more like a friend then someone who's way superior and high up there. ya, there.
we do have fun chatting random stuffs in office and there's no politics.
Uh huh. Because it's too small to have politics. haha.

good and bad.
depending on how you look at it.

just trying to sort my thoughts out.

emotional vs rational.

this is a boring entry.
but it's important to me. at least.
many thoughts ran through my mind and i had to pin it down somewhere and it's gonna be here.

okay, for a start.
i just had a dinner with lamb who's stuck in VW and a new friend, alright, the word 'new' sounds weird. she's cat from Elzeno and i actually didn't know she's the C.D. (not compact disc) over there. Actually i had to admit that i got her and valencis also from Elzeno mixed up. But nevermind, she's a nice and chatty, easy to get along with and a very motivated person.

we had quite a long chat, mainly between lamb and her and mostly on work. They shared their opinions and stuffs that are quite valuable to me because they made me think. Till a point of time, they asked me about my work and the company I'm in. Spoke a bit on it and their responses are very much similar to what my other friends commented when they asked about the condition of my work and company.

Dozens of friends, i'm exaggerating a bit, but still, quite many asked me about my pay, my benefits, basically my work life.
Maybe i should write it in a conversational way so that it's more easy to understand. The "Friend" will stand for many friends because all almost had the same questions and response.

Friend: How much you earning a month ah?
Me: 1'X'00.
Friend: That is before probation period right?
Me: Yes and no. we don't have a probation period so i'm earning that amount since like er nine or ten months back.
Friend: Huh... no pay increment?
Me: We had a talk with him before and he promised to increase our pay when we reached the 1 year mark. So ya, waiting for that moment lor which is soon to be coming. haha.
Friend: But do you know that most of them (refering to other junior designers like us) had pay increment after 3 months and it's at least a 200 increment. You all 'lugi' for many months leh.
Me: Yes we know that all along. Colleague and me did discuss before and we were thinking that since it's a new start up and the boss is being very nice to us so we shall not be too calculative at the beginning. But then ya.. if upon the 1 year mark, there's still no increment or the increment is on the low side like a hundred or two, then most probably, we will re-consider our stand and if we will carry on like that.
Friend: Okay, then what's the benefits your company give you all?
Me: er... hmmm.. good question... hmm.. no?
Friend: Huh?
Me: er no.. as in no benefits? oh, sometimes will treat us to meals considered?
Friend: Dots.... Okay, any bonus this year?
Me: Nope...
Friend: what about 13th month?
Me: Nope
Friend: Insurance?
Me: Nope
Friend: Medical reimbursement?
Me: Nope
Friend: OT pay?
Me: Nope, designers don't usually get OT pay one lar. Hours are quite flexible thou some can claim OT as leave but we don't have.
Friend: Okay, Leave terms?
Me: 14 days.
Friend: Unused leave leh? can claim as money?
Me: Nope, but can carry forward at most 7 days thou.
Friend: So till now still never increase pay right?
Me: Ya...
Friend: Can i ask you something most important?
Me: Go ahead.
Friend: Why are you still in the company?

End of conversation.

This is a very good question. It's a question everyone's asking me and what's worst, colleague and i asked ourselves this question too. so when cat asked me what makes me stay there, i barely know what i wanna say. I only managed to say something like, coz the boss is nice and i don't have the heart to break the dream of a young man whose very driven in his work.

Then again, it also means that the only thing that made me stay in the company is the boss and my one and only colleague. The work there is not fantastic, in fact some are ... never mind. There's even this particular client who my boss say will never ever wanted to work with them anymore because they are bad client and they pay damn little for many many things but till now, we are still working with them. They criticized my first web design work till very shitty. At first i do get hurt because seriously it was my first web design. That was like months ago but then now, i have a natural wall of defense shielding me against their attacks. I'm being mean and unprofessional here. My work standard varies with the kind of client i have. If i think the client is worth the effort and time, then i'll do that. If not, then too bad. I know it shouldn't be that way if I'm professional and responsible, so i'm trying to change. Of coz, trying doesn't mean it will be achieved. Pride issue. I know my boss knows very well that I don't want to have anymore to deal with them so for the latest changes, he offered to do and then get rid of that client, hopefully he really did get rid of them. And yes, lee hom's new song, loosely translated as " I can't be bothered with you", is what i would like to dedicate to that client.

Side tracked. Okay back.
So why am i still there?
Good question again. I'm repeating. Yes while I'm typing this, I'm trying to come up with a reason to persuade myself.

Again, it's the boss and colleague. Gosh. That's really all i can think of.
Maybe that's why I'm waiting for the pay increment so that i can use it to console myself when my morale's running low.
It has been months of guessing between shiping and me, on how much increment there will be. And if it's so miserable, then maybe shiping can go be teacher and i go sign on army hahaha *not funny* or go back NYP be asst lecturer etc since that day during Huifen's birthday party, Mr Adrian did spoke to me about it. Not a very bad idea because it's a "metal rice bowl".

Another reason why i really look forward to the increment is because i needed it. It's not just a want now, it's a need. I need more money to support my family. My pay now doesn't allow me to really make my family have a easier life. It is sufficient for personal bills, kopi and vegetable money for parents, transport, food, little recreation and insurance( yes i have insurance because i scare i die young and my parents will have nothing, choy *touchwood*). However, it's not sufficient for savings (hardly save), travel trips for the whole family to further places other than Malaysia, and to support a drinking father who borrows money from me to drink till i throw temper and he now, turns to borrow money from my mother. Guess what, in the end i scare my mother not enough money to spend so i gave my mother some more, so it's like I'm still lending money to my father to drink. Seriously, I have already no idea what can i do to stop my father from drinking. I tried means, writing letters to him expressing my thoughts in a peaceful way, buying him stuffs to distract him from the alcohol, bringing him out to have much better meals, playing mind games like if he can lessen his intake of alcohol then every week i will get him something he wanted till i cannot tahan, become scold him, then ignoring him, then back to talk to him, then play game with him, then joking with him then the story continues, and the drinking continues as well. Now, it's more like i've given up. All i can do is to try to earn and save as much as i can. Everything is about money.

I've told myself before. One day if i were to quit to be a designer, it's either my passion had totally died or I need to go elsewhere to earn more in the shortest time i can. In a 'true-blooded' designer's life, passion is more important than anything else. For me, money speaks more because without money, passion will die with the reality of life. That reminds me that, I've always ranked Family as the first, Friends being second, career third and relationship last. Well, that's because I'm not in a relationship ha! If i happened to have one, it will be third or second, depending. I don't want to be a workaholic, worked through my life and missed out on my life. The movie, Click, make sense to me. Oh, but i was saying money is very important to me. A bit on the contradicting side isn't it? Then again, not really. The only reason why i wanted money is not because being rich makes me more upper-class. It's more like, i need the money for survival and to bring my parents to different places to enjoy their lives. I don't need Gucci and LV, neither do i want just 'this fashion'.

Ah, i've talked a lot and drifted somewhere.
I don't think I'm having a conclusion here but just felt more relaxed after 'releasing' some of my ramblings.

Good night to myself.

baobei:
eh, do you know that if you had a dream, it means your body is repairing but your brain isn't.

me:
then is good or bad?

baobei:
er... it's good for your body but not for your brain i supposed.

me:
okay -.-"


I've been dreaming a lot these days.