Fed up with Everything

Yday i was actually quite fed up but i tried to hide it.. early in the morning... certain FEW kept asking me questions that i am sick of answering. ok.. by right i wanted to do 'happy' for my color theory face painting but then in the end i did 'depress' instead.. why? coz i had people still asking me how to use photoshop? how to shift the pic? how to change d gradient? how to resize the pic? and.. how to change the dimensions...this is week 11 alreadi.. i mean.. yes, i m older.. i should help.. but den i'm tired of being a 'nanny' or 'walking dict'. i can't be telling people the same thing over and over again rite? why can't they jus go to the lib or what to find out those answers themselves if they realli care for their work? some kept msging me asking me sch work thing... i dun hav the answers to everything. poor chun how. .he suffered the same tragedy... no wonder his face turned black at times.. i truly understand that feeling..

went home.. saw mum crying.. i know who make her cry... the man in d room slping.. all i could do is to sit there and hear her talk.. nothing else i could do.. useless me..

today.. thot it would be better.. but i'm wrong.. everything get worst..
brother went to add another tattoo to his body.. he alreadi had five.. and now.. six.. when will he stop doing that? it dun look nice at all..
mum saw it.. and got angry.. depressed.. she cried out again.. for another man in her life.. she hated people havin tattoo.. n it ended up that her own son had so many tattoos.. of coz she is very sad.. she told my brother so many times tt she got so disappointed.. i thot.. i thot my brother changed after tt year when he couldn't be with us. .. he kneel down before my mum den to promise tt he will change.. but now.. i'm not so sure of it.. the fight ended with my brother going out for some drinks.. dad in the room slping.. again.. and my mum crying in the kitchen..i did nothing.. useless brother, useless father, useless me..

i waited till night time.. when my mum approached me to talk to me... some words realli.. reminded me of the past.. and i dunno how long can i tolerate everything..
is there love between my parents? i dunno... maybe.. maybe they are still together because of us.. i shouldn't be so selfish when i m in sec sch den.. i told my mum be4 i dun wish to c them divorce when my mum ask me who i wan to follow if they go separate ways.. i had no answers.. den.. but if.. my mum were to ask me now.. i would say i will follow her..

my father could support himself.. but my mum can't.. she had never worked be4 in all her life.. she's too old to work now.. my father kept complaining tt she is not working but yet keep the money he work so hard for.. but i dun think tt is the way he should react.. he had enough for himself but he spend so much money buying 4D and beers.. he need at least 5 cans of beers a day.. i know he has alcoholism now.. no matter how hard we tried to change him.. there's no use.. i thot tt accident he had would help him quit his drinking habits.. but no.. i can still tolerate the shit he is giving my mum.. unless one day if he hits my mum.. den tt's it..

actually, my father dotes me the most in the family.. but.. he seldom talk to me.. as well as my brother..irony.. he only scolds my mum and not us.. i think the length of coversation i had with him in a year is less than d conversation i had with a fren in a day seriously.. i seldom.. call him.. 'pa'.. unless there is something i need to talk to him.. there is something lacking between the family.. love?

mum says.. she's very sad that she couldn't afford to support me for uni education both locally and overseas. i know she feels bad.. i almost went to vancouver to work.. but den i din in the end coz of some reasons.. tt y i m in NYP now.. coz a A level cert is not enough.. i know exactly that i hav to do very well in NYP for myself and for my mum.. yes.. that's d thing tt is stressing me.. some ask me why i m stress when it comes to sch work.. ok.. tts d reason.. i had to score, not to jus pass..

jus now.. mum told me that i m d only one who she could depend on le... i m d only one who could bring her 'honor' and stop my father's bad attitude to her.. if i earn a lot money in d future, my father will listen to me.. she have high expectations for me.. she hope i will study hard and she is willing to find anyways to support me for my poly education.. how.. am i suppose to feel?...

yes.. i hav to do very well.. i know i hav to.. at the moment i got 2 A+ and 1 C for my comms, 2 A+ for my media, 1 A+ for my DF, 1 A for my Creative design, 1 C+ for my color theory and 1 C++ for my drawing. and am i satisfied? no.... i'm not satisfied at all..i m disappointed that i got C++ for my perspective drawing.. even thou Pat Tan says it is v normal for ppl to score low for drawing.. and d other Cs.. also..

gerald asked me dun study leh.. go play lar.. i wanted so much to play and ignore everything and jus relax.. dun care abt results.. but can i? i can't afford to do that.. i have a great responsibilty now.. i hav to stress myself.. u think i enjoy going back to sch in sat to work on proj?

n i missed the chance to work yday.. coz of the stupid pencil and pixar thing.. dun wish to take money from mum.. she dun hav enough for the whole family le.. n now.. dunno if father would let her take care of the money in the family or not.. if he dun.. den.. sure jialat.. all the money would ended up in his stomach.. more beers on the table.. classmate saw my uob card and say wah.. i so rich arh? duhz... i m not! anyone can apply for tt... i apply tt coz the interest rate is higher. tt's it, i m not rich. i need to work to keep myself going..

what m i suppose to say now.... i m lost.. somehow.. tired.. but den i haven complete my sketches.. and baobei is leaving again tml.. she might be back ard christmas.. or new yr.. i got to send her tml.. 5plus Am.. damn early..
i lock myself in d room as usual again... talking to d com.. to d blog.. to myself... fed up...... with myself..how long can i maintain my smiles?