Tired.. is an excuse

i din wanted to blog on this.. but i guess maybe tat's d onli way i can.. communicate on this thing without .. nvm.. i rmb last year.. same thing occured to one of my close fren.. she hide it from us and causes much misunderstandings.. we had a 'cold' war.. and only ard months months later.. she told me wat happened.. and i felt bad.. so did she too..

now i guess d same thing is happening to me.. i din noe how to tell classmates when they kept asking me what time did i sleep, what time did i wake up, why am i so tired, why m i so moody etc.. i said i m tired... and i admit here that i m lying.. d onli one in class who knows what happens is huifen..

my grandma is out of hospital today.. and none are happy because there is nothing to be happy about. the family requested the doc to let grandma move back to home to spend her last few days or day.. and d doc send her back home today.. i received d news when i was printing my digi stuffs n of coz i rushed to holland v to see her.. and everyone is there.. more than 20.. everyone had cried at least once before.. i dun like this kind of feeling but.. i know.. how everyone feels.. grandma lie there breathin v difficultly with the oxygen support and there were moments when she opened her eye but we can't c d iris.. mama asked us to speak to her.. and when i called her grandma.. i m here and stuffs.. can c that even thou her eyes are not opened, tears were flowing down... she mus be feeling v sad and she knows she is leaving us soon..

jus like on d new year eve.. when everyone is celebrating and counting down to new year.. i was in the hospital.. that was the first time i held her hands in mine in d 20 years of life.. she tried so hard to talk to me and i can;t even catch a single word she say.. finally i heard something.. that is she asked me to study hard.. and she said it with tears...and uses all her strength to hold me tightly and since then.. i know she is prepared to leave.. but yet..she can't bare to go.. it mus be v hard on her.. to tolerate with the pain she is havin.. both physically and emotionally.. v hard.. ever since that day.. i can't seem to be smiling truthfully to classmates.. everyday seems to be d last day for her.. and seems to be d last day for me to see her as well.. i.. saw grandfather crying in one corner.. jus now.. it mus be hard on him as well..

i dunno wat m i thinking.. part of me wish for her to stay longer coz i dun wan her to leave... but part of me wished for her to go.. coz it is too painful for everyone and herself to keep thinking that everyday is the last day.... today and tml.. is the crucial day.. n i m tired.. tired of everything.. tired.. life is really.. very unpredictable...