a simple conversation with bc triggers some thoughts.. some memories.. and urge to write this down in my blog so that i can continue to keep on reminding myself to perform some actions..


he asked me.. did your parents buy you birthday cake every year?
i said.. not really.. since i gain knowledge on what the hell the world is about and that i am a human being, i've never gotten a cake from my family for my birthday EXCEPT for one year. it was my 18th birthday.. my mum bought a slice of $2 choco cake from the market and says that it will be my birthday cake cum breakfast. =] i was really very happy den.. coz that was the first cake.. and more imptly, she remembered my birthday and i know she always do.


he went on to talk more about his family and ask about my family. i admit that i'm very... okay.. quite scared of my father. thou he is very small in size but he has this feeling that makes me afraid of him. i dunno.. he seldom talks to us and he hates his own birthday. i don even to call him father.. till recently i started calling him pa after hearing audrey say that i can try calling my father to 'break-the-ice'. okay.. some weeks ago, i call him 'papa' and he smiled. my mother told me secretly that my father says that he's gonna strike lottery or something coz i called him papa. i think i've been quite cold to my father that i ought to change. he's my father and whatever he did before, i should forgive and try to forget.


the talk went on and on.. the thing that keep appearing in my mind is.. my closer ones (frens and whoever) are leaving me.. some days i would just lie on my bed and think what if i wake up and i can't find my mother anymore? i dun wan her to leave me and i won be able to take it.. yet how can i throw temper at her sometimes when i am mad? i guess that is the way to keep reminding myself to threat her nicely while she's still with me. someday.. she will leave.. and that will be the day i lose almost everything..


furthermore, i will never forget the times when my mum asked me who will i follow if she and father were to go separate ways. i said i will follow my mum.. instead of huggin me in her arms, she screamed at me and says tat i should follow father and she don wan me, she don wan my brother. she can live with my auntie and have all the freedom without taking care of us. father says he don wan us as well.. ya rite.. i think i cried and ran to my room and started emo-ing thinking that no one wants me. while the feeling of not being wanted by ur most loved ones hurts but when i grow older.. i guess i know why mum says that.. and i'm glad she said that she don wan me den.. muahahha.. my mum has got illness den, can't work and has never worked before. father is the only one with financial ability to support us thru the education and whatever. its not that she thinks that we will be a burden to her..but rather.. she thinks that she will be a burden to us.. hiaz.. too bad i din understand that when i was younger so for some period of time i used to think that my mum don love me. haha.. that's silly.. which mother don love their kids?


that is the main reason why i keep asking bc to treat his family better and whatever. communication is definately impt to maintain a relationship.. dun wait till lose already den start to regret.. and that's something that is very wrong with most of the ppl.. take things/people for granted.


and.. got to say something.. i was thinking.. some days ago.. what did i do to deserve that kinda treatment from some close friends? i'm seriously touched.. by those esp sec sch frens... some really.. doted me so much that i feel that i'm like a kid being so well taken care of.. its like the sky drop i also dun need to worry, coz i know who will be there to die with me or save me. either lar. hhaha... should i say names out? okay lar -> deb, jane, esther, evvon, pr, min, baobei and tweety. those not named.. er.. not that i dun like u.. hahah but rather its jus that.. it's not yet till the extend whereby er.. we share very private issues. hahah.. work harder for those who want to be in my list next time. winks~ =]


deb dun need to say. everyone knows how she treats me. jane also dun need say lar. e-tho.. she never say but i noe she cares too. telephathy. evvon.. wah this one.. i these few days very very very touched by her lar.. goosebumps.. she doted me a lot.. peiren i very long never see her already but i noe she cares for me because of the content of a simple msg she sent to me during my 21st bday. min d guylian.. haha.. waye! he still 'sayang' my head like he did in sec sch ah? and not forgetting the piyo-piyo in his hse.. touched to see that lar.. baobei is someone who loves me too much to hurt me, sounds so like long dist-relationship wif a girl. duhz, it will be too weird and funny if we 2 were to les each other, faint. tweety.. hahhaa.. i'm actually very surprised that she's be in my list of very close frens. i've known her for only like er 1 and 1/2 a year lar.. shortest of em all. we've gone thru heart-sharing session etc and 'true' temper showing session (hahaha) to reach the stage we are at now and also the constant reminder from her that whatever happens, i will still have her. it makes me feel more secure? haha.. and my assurance to her too..


ahahahah wat a damn long entry... muahah and i still love this world. now.
kisses everywhere to those i love!!! Lalallalala~~