this is a boring entry.
but it's important to me. at least.
many thoughts ran through my mind and i had to pin it down somewhere and it's gonna be here.

okay, for a start.
i just had a dinner with lamb who's stuck in VW and a new friend, alright, the word 'new' sounds weird. she's cat from Elzeno and i actually didn't know she's the C.D. (not compact disc) over there. Actually i had to admit that i got her and valencis also from Elzeno mixed up. But nevermind, she's a nice and chatty, easy to get along with and a very motivated person.

we had quite a long chat, mainly between lamb and her and mostly on work. They shared their opinions and stuffs that are quite valuable to me because they made me think. Till a point of time, they asked me about my work and the company I'm in. Spoke a bit on it and their responses are very much similar to what my other friends commented when they asked about the condition of my work and company.

Dozens of friends, i'm exaggerating a bit, but still, quite many asked me about my pay, my benefits, basically my work life.
Maybe i should write it in a conversational way so that it's more easy to understand. The "Friend" will stand for many friends because all almost had the same questions and response.

Friend: How much you earning a month ah?
Me: 1'X'00.
Friend: That is before probation period right?
Me: Yes and no. we don't have a probation period so i'm earning that amount since like er nine or ten months back.
Friend: Huh... no pay increment?
Me: We had a talk with him before and he promised to increase our pay when we reached the 1 year mark. So ya, waiting for that moment lor which is soon to be coming. haha.
Friend: But do you know that most of them (refering to other junior designers like us) had pay increment after 3 months and it's at least a 200 increment. You all 'lugi' for many months leh.
Me: Yes we know that all along. Colleague and me did discuss before and we were thinking that since it's a new start up and the boss is being very nice to us so we shall not be too calculative at the beginning. But then ya.. if upon the 1 year mark, there's still no increment or the increment is on the low side like a hundred or two, then most probably, we will re-consider our stand and if we will carry on like that.
Friend: Okay, then what's the benefits your company give you all?
Me: er... hmmm.. good question... hmm.. no?
Friend: Huh?
Me: er no.. as in no benefits? oh, sometimes will treat us to meals considered?
Friend: Dots.... Okay, any bonus this year?
Me: Nope...
Friend: what about 13th month?
Me: Nope
Friend: Insurance?
Me: Nope
Friend: Medical reimbursement?
Me: Nope
Friend: OT pay?
Me: Nope, designers don't usually get OT pay one lar. Hours are quite flexible thou some can claim OT as leave but we don't have.
Friend: Okay, Leave terms?
Me: 14 days.
Friend: Unused leave leh? can claim as money?
Me: Nope, but can carry forward at most 7 days thou.
Friend: So till now still never increase pay right?
Me: Ya...
Friend: Can i ask you something most important?
Me: Go ahead.
Friend: Why are you still in the company?

End of conversation.

This is a very good question. It's a question everyone's asking me and what's worst, colleague and i asked ourselves this question too. so when cat asked me what makes me stay there, i barely know what i wanna say. I only managed to say something like, coz the boss is nice and i don't have the heart to break the dream of a young man whose very driven in his work.

Then again, it also means that the only thing that made me stay in the company is the boss and my one and only colleague. The work there is not fantastic, in fact some are ... never mind. There's even this particular client who my boss say will never ever wanted to work with them anymore because they are bad client and they pay damn little for many many things but till now, we are still working with them. They criticized my first web design work till very shitty. At first i do get hurt because seriously it was my first web design. That was like months ago but then now, i have a natural wall of defense shielding me against their attacks. I'm being mean and unprofessional here. My work standard varies with the kind of client i have. If i think the client is worth the effort and time, then i'll do that. If not, then too bad. I know it shouldn't be that way if I'm professional and responsible, so i'm trying to change. Of coz, trying doesn't mean it will be achieved. Pride issue. I know my boss knows very well that I don't want to have anymore to deal with them so for the latest changes, he offered to do and then get rid of that client, hopefully he really did get rid of them. And yes, lee hom's new song, loosely translated as " I can't be bothered with you", is what i would like to dedicate to that client.

Side tracked. Okay back.
So why am i still there?
Good question again. I'm repeating. Yes while I'm typing this, I'm trying to come up with a reason to persuade myself.

Again, it's the boss and colleague. Gosh. That's really all i can think of.
Maybe that's why I'm waiting for the pay increment so that i can use it to console myself when my morale's running low.
It has been months of guessing between shiping and me, on how much increment there will be. And if it's so miserable, then maybe shiping can go be teacher and i go sign on army hahaha *not funny* or go back NYP be asst lecturer etc since that day during Huifen's birthday party, Mr Adrian did spoke to me about it. Not a very bad idea because it's a "metal rice bowl".

Another reason why i really look forward to the increment is because i needed it. It's not just a want now, it's a need. I need more money to support my family. My pay now doesn't allow me to really make my family have a easier life. It is sufficient for personal bills, kopi and vegetable money for parents, transport, food, little recreation and insurance( yes i have insurance because i scare i die young and my parents will have nothing, choy *touchwood*). However, it's not sufficient for savings (hardly save), travel trips for the whole family to further places other than Malaysia, and to support a drinking father who borrows money from me to drink till i throw temper and he now, turns to borrow money from my mother. Guess what, in the end i scare my mother not enough money to spend so i gave my mother some more, so it's like I'm still lending money to my father to drink. Seriously, I have already no idea what can i do to stop my father from drinking. I tried means, writing letters to him expressing my thoughts in a peaceful way, buying him stuffs to distract him from the alcohol, bringing him out to have much better meals, playing mind games like if he can lessen his intake of alcohol then every week i will get him something he wanted till i cannot tahan, become scold him, then ignoring him, then back to talk to him, then play game with him, then joking with him then the story continues, and the drinking continues as well. Now, it's more like i've given up. All i can do is to try to earn and save as much as i can. Everything is about money.

I've told myself before. One day if i were to quit to be a designer, it's either my passion had totally died or I need to go elsewhere to earn more in the shortest time i can. In a 'true-blooded' designer's life, passion is more important than anything else. For me, money speaks more because without money, passion will die with the reality of life. That reminds me that, I've always ranked Family as the first, Friends being second, career third and relationship last. Well, that's because I'm not in a relationship ha! If i happened to have one, it will be third or second, depending. I don't want to be a workaholic, worked through my life and missed out on my life. The movie, Click, make sense to me. Oh, but i was saying money is very important to me. A bit on the contradicting side isn't it? Then again, not really. The only reason why i wanted money is not because being rich makes me more upper-class. It's more like, i need the money for survival and to bring my parents to different places to enjoy their lives. I don't need Gucci and LV, neither do i want just 'this fashion'.

Ah, i've talked a lot and drifted somewhere.
I don't think I'm having a conclusion here but just felt more relaxed after 'releasing' some of my ramblings.

Good night to myself.